24- Be concerned about others

24- Be concerned about others

People usually like to be valued. This is why one sees individuals at times acting in a certain manner in order to attract attention.They may even invent tales or stories of their valour so that people may show them concern or be amazed by them.

Imagine a person who returns home from work tired. He enters his living room and finds his four children sitting alone. The oldest of them is eleven-years old and is watching a television program.The second is having his dinner.The third is playing with his toys, and the fourth is doing his homework.The father then greets them in a loud voice:“as-Salaamu ‘alaykum!” One of the children is lost in his television program, the second is completely enchanted by his toys and the third is busy with his dinner.As for the fourth,when he turns around and sees his father, he drops his books and rushes in delight to welcome him, kisses his hand, and then returns to his books.

Which of the four children would be the most beloved to the father?

I say with certainty that our response would be the same: the most beloved of them would of course be the fourth; not because he is the most beautiful or the most intelligent, but only because he showed his father that he valued him. Hence, the more one cares for others, the greater their love and respect will be for him. 

The best of the creation peace be upon himwould consider these factors in people. He would make everyone feel that their problem was in fact his own problem, and that their worry was indeed his own. Once, when the Prophet peace be upon himstood on his pulpit to address the people, a man entered the mosque. He looked at the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himand said:“O Messenger of Allah!”, and then began to ask him about his religion, for he knew little about it.

The Prophet peace be upon him turned to him and noticed that he was a Bedouin who might not have been able to wait for the sermon to finish in order to obtain an answer. He feared that the man may have even left the mosque and never returned.

The issue was of utmost importance to the man, to such an extent that he had interrupted the sermon in order to ask him about religious rulings! The Prophet peace be upon him was thinking from the perspective of others and not his own.Thus, he (peace be upon him) descended from his noble pulpit and called for a chair to be brought. He (peace be upon him) sat in front of the man and began teaching and explaining religious rulings to him until he understood. He then stood up and returned to his pulpit to finish his sermon. How great he was! How persevering he was!

Since he also cultivated the Companions in his school, they would also show concern for others, be welcoming towards them, and share with them in their moments of happiness and grief.

An example of this is how Talhah dealt with Ka’b – may Allah be pleased with them both. Ka’b bin Malik – may Allah be pleased with him – was an old man. Let us sit with him after he has grown old, his bones have weakened, and he has become blind, as he relates to us the memories of his youth, when he lagged behind in the expedition of Tabuk, the last expedition the Prophet peace be upon him participated in... 

The Prophet peace be upon him called the people to set off for Tabuk and prepare for an expedition. He collected people’s contributions to prepare an army, until the number of combatants reached 30,000 - this was in a season when the shade was pleasant and the fruits had ripened,yet the desert heat was severe.The journey was long and the enemy was mighty and haughty.The Muslims were great in number but some of their names were not listed in the register.

Ka’b said,“I was the wealthiest I had ever been at the time. I had managed to accumulate two rides, and I found myself the strongest that I had ever been. At that time, I inclined towards the shade and the sweetness of fruits, and remained so until the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him set off to leave.

So I said to myself:‘I will go tomorrow to the marketplace, buy something in preparation for the expedition, and join them later.’ I then went to the marketplace the next day, but some things came up and so I returned.Thus I said:‘I will return tomorrow – Allah willing, buy something and then join them’, but then again, some thing delayed me. I then said:‘I will return again tomorrow – Allah willing’… This kept happening until days went by and I was left behind by the Messenger of Allah – may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him. I then began strolling the marketplaces and walking around the city, only to find people who were either drowning in hypocrisy, or those whom Allah had excused from marching forth.’ 

Yes, Ka’b was left behind in Madinah.

As for the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him, he along with his 30,000 companions marched forth until they reached Tabuk; he peace be upon him looked at the faces of his Companions to find that he was missing a righteous person from amongst those who had witnessed the Pledge of ‘Aqabah. He therefore asked,“What happened to Ka’b bin Malik?” A man replied: “O Allah’s Messenger! He has been prevented by his two Burdas (cloaks) and his looking at his own flanks with pride.” To this Mu‘adh bin Jabal replied: “How evil is what you have said! By Allah, O Messenger of Allah! I have not known except good from him.” The Messenger of Allah peace be upon him remained silent.

Ka’b continued:“When the Prophet peace be upon himfinished with the expedition of Tabuk and made his way back to Madinah, I began to think;‘How do I save myself from his displeasure?’ I would seek advice from whoever had to offer me advice from my family, until the Prophet peace be upon himfinally arrived in Madinah, and I realised that I would not be saved except by being honest.”

The Prophet peace be upon himthen reached Madinah and directly entered the mosque, wherein he prayed two units of prayer, and then sat with the people.There came to him those who had lagged behind, making excuses for their actions and swearing oaths. They were about eighty-odd people.The Messenger of Allah peace be upon him accepted their excuses at face value and sought forgiveness for them, leaving their innermost secrets to Allah. 

Ka‘b bin Malik also came.When he greeted him, the Prophet peace be upon himlooked at him.He smiled at him,the smile of one who is angry. Ka’b walked towards him and sat in front of him.The Prophet peace be upon him said to him:“What made you lag behind? Did you not buy a ride for yourself?” Meaning: your riding beast. He replied: ‘Indeed, I did!’ The Prophet peace be upon himasked:“Then, what kept you behind?” Ka‘b said:“O Messenger of Allah,if I were to have sat in front of anyone in the world other than you, I would have saved myself from his anger by making an excuse. I have been given the power of persuasion. But by Allah, I know that if I were to tell you a lie today in order to attain your pleasure, then Allah would soon make you angry with me anyway, and if I were to speak the truth, then surely you would be upset with me, but I would hope that because I spoke the truth,Allah would forgive me.O Messenger of Allah, by Allah, I do not have any excuse. By Allah, I had never been stronger nor wealthier than I was when I remained behind!”

Ka‘b remained silent. Thereupon, the Prophet peace be upon him turned to his Companions and said:“He has indeed spoken the truth.Get up (O Ka‘b) and wait until Allah decides your case.” Ka‘b got up and left the mosque, dragging his feet, feeling remorse and being grief stricken, not knowing what Allah would decide for him.

When the people saw this, a group from amongst them followed him and began to censure him. They said: “By Allah! We have not known you to have committed a sin before this.Though, you are a poet, you failed to make excuses to the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himlike the rest of those who lagged behind! You could have made an excuse by which he would have been pleased with you and sought forgiveness for you, so that Allah may have forgiven you.’ 

Ka‘b said: “They continued to censure me so much that I considered returning to the Prophet peace be upon himto inform him that I had lied. But I then asked:‘Is there anyone else who has had the same experience?’ Someone replied:‘Yes.Two men also said what you said and were told what you were told.’ I asked:‘Who are they?’ They said: ‘Murarah bin al-Rabi’ and Hilal bin Umayyah.’ These were two righteous men who had witnessed the battle of Badr − men whom I thought could be examples for me. I therefore said:‘By Allah,I will never return to the Prophet to retract what I have said and belie myself!”

Thus Ka‘b walked along, broken inside and full of sadness, until he reached home, where he remained. Not much time had passed after this when the Prophet peace be upon himforbade the people from speaking to Ka‘b and his two Companions.

Ka‘b said: “After this, people completely changed their attitude towards us and would shun us. If I were to go out to the marketplace, no one would speak to me. The people became estranged from me as if I never knew them. It was as though even the walls had become estranged from us,as if these weren’t the walls we were familiar with and the earth that we knew had also become a stranger.The two companions of mine would sit in their homes and weep night and day.They would never show their faces.They would busy themselves with worship as if they were monks. As for me, then I was the youngest and the firmest of the three. I would go out and attend the prayers with the Muslims and roam around the marketplaces, yet, nobody would speak to me. 

“I would enter the mosque and approach the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him and greet him, then be left wondering to myself if he even moved his lips to return my greeting or not. I would pray close to him, looking at him stealthily.When I became busy with prayer, he would turn to me. When I turned to him, he would turn away from me.”

Days went by and pain led to more pain. Ka‘b was once considered a noble man amongst his people and a leading poet. He was known amongst kings and princes. His poetry circulated amongst the great so much that they would long to meet him. Yet here he was in Madinah amongst his own people, and no one would speak to or even look at him, so much so that the tragedy was gruelling and the estrangement became almost impossible to bear. Still, there was to come to him another test…

One day, as he was roaming around the marketplace, there came a Christian from Syria.He said:“Who can take me to Ka‘b bin Malik?” The people pointed to Ka‘b, so he came to him and gave him a letter from the King of Ghassan. How strange! From the King of Ghassan! Therefore,his news must have reached Syria, so much so that the King of the Ghassanites showed concern for him! How amazing! What exactly did the King want from him?

Ka‘b opened up the letter and read:“To proceed: O Ka‘b bin Malik! It has reached me that your companion has turned cold towards you and distanced you from him.You do not deserve loss or ruin, or to be disgraced. So join us, and we would give you consolation.”

When he finished reading the letter, he said: “To Allah we belong! The people of disbelief have now shown interest in me! This is indeed a great calamity and evil!” He then went with the letter immediately to an oven,set it alight,and burned it.Ka‘b did not consider the king’s offer for a moment. 

Yes, the doors were opened up to him to the kings’ palaces and the mansions of the great who would invite him to honour and companionship, whilst the city of Madinah around him censured him and people frowned in his face. He would greet people, yet none would return his greeting. He would ask, yet none would respond. Despite that, he did not turn to the disbelievers. The devil failed to shake him or to make him a slave to his desires. He simply tossed the letter into the fire and let it burn.

Thus the days passed, one by one, until a whole month went by. Ka‘b remained in this state as the boycott continued to grow heavier around his neck and the pressure continued to increase. Neither did the Messenger peace be upon him pardon him, nor did revelation descend decreeing anything in this matter.

When forty days had passed, a messenger from the Prophet peace be upon him came to Ka‘b, knocking on his door. Ka‘b went out to him, hoping that he might have come with concessions, only to find the messenger saying:“The Messenger orders that you distance yourself from your wife.” He said: “Should I divorce her?” He said:“No, but keep your distance from her and do not approach her.” Thereupon,Ka‘b went to his wife and said:“Go back to your family and stay with them until Allah decrees for this matter.”

The Prophet peace be upon himsent the same message to his two companions.So the wife of Hilal bin Umayyah came to him and said:“O Messenger of Allah, Hilal bin Umayyah is a weak old man. Will you give me permission to serve him?” He replied:“Yes, but do not let him approach you.” The woman said:“O Prophet of Allah, he is not even able to move for anything he needs. He is still very depressed and cries, night and day, since the day he did what he did.” 

The days became very difficult for Ka‘b and the boycott became so unbearable for him that he began to re-examine his faith. He would try to speak to the Muslims, but they would not respond to him. He would greet the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him but would not hear a response. So where should he have gone? Whom should he have consulted?

Ka‘b said:“When the calamity had gone on for far too long, I went to Abu Qatadah, who was my cousin and the most beloved of people to me. I found him in his garden. I scaled the wall, entered and greeted him, but by Allah, he did not return my greeting. I said:‘I beseech you, by Allah, O Abu Qatadah, do you know that I love Allah and His Messenger?’ He remained silent. I then said:‘O Abu Qatadah, do you know that I love Allah and His Messenger?’ He remained silent. I then said: ‘I beseech you, by Allah, O Abu Qatadah, do you know that I love Allah and His Messenger?’ He then said:‘Allah and His Messenger know best.”

When Ka‘b heard this response from his cousin and the dearest of all people to him, it was as if he could no longer tell if he was a believer or not. He could not bear what he had heard. His eyes filled with tears. He climbed over the wall, went back to his house and remained therein,looking here and there,confined within the walls of his house. He had no wife to accompany him, nor a relative to console him. 

Fifty nights had passed since the Prophet peace be upon himforbade the people to speak to them. On the fiftieth night, it was revealed to the Prophet in the last third of the night that the repentance of the three men had been accepted.At the time, the Prophet peace be upon himwas in the house of Umm Salamah. So he recited the relevant verses, after which Umm Salamah said:“O Prophet of Allah, shall we not give the glad tidings to Ka‘b bin Malik?” He replied:“The people would throng and prevent you from sleeping for the rest of the night!”

Hence, when the Prophet peace be upon himprayed the Fajr prayer, he proclaimed the fact that Allah had accepted their repentance. The people then rushed to give them the glad tidings.

Ka‘b said: “I had prayed Fajr on the rooftop of one of our houses. I was sitting in a state which Allah has described in His Book,in which my soul felt intense restriction,and even the earth had become restricted, despite its vastness, and nothing worried me more than the thought that I may die and the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himmay not pray over me,or that he may die whilst I remain boycotted by the people, such that no one speaks to me ever, nor prays over me upon my death.

“So, whilst I was in that state, I heard the voice of a person on Mount Sala’,shouting at the top of his voice:‘O Ka‘b bin Malik! Glad tidings for you!’ I fell into prostration and realised that relief had at last arrived from Allah. There came to me a man on a horse, whilst another man was shouting from the top of the mountain, and his voice reached me more swiftly than the horse.

“When the man whose voice I heard finally came to me to give me the good news, I took off my two garments and gave them to the men. By Allah, I didn’t have any other garments, so I borrowed two others, wore them and set out to see the Messenger of Allah – may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him. The people came to meet me in droves, congratulating me on the acceptance of my repentance, saying: ‘Congratulations that your repentance has been accepted!’ I entered the mosque and found the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himsitting with his Companions. 

“When they all saw me, by Allah, none stood for me except Talhah bin Ubaydullah. He stood up, hugged and congratulated me, then sat down again. By Allah, I will never forget Talhah’s action! I kept on walking until I reached the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himand greeted him. I noticed that his face was radiant with happiness.Whenever he became happy, his face would become radiant, as if it were part of the moon.When he saw me, he said: ‘Glad tidings to you for the best day you have witnessed since your mother gave birth to you!’ I said:‘Is this favour from you, or Allah?’ He replied:‘It is from Allah.’ Then he recited the verses.I sat down in front of him and said:‘O Messenger of Allah! As part of my repentance, I should give the sum total of my wealth in charity for Allah and His Messenger.’ He said in response:‘Keep some of your wealth, for that is better for you.’ I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah,Allah only saved me for being truthful, and a part of my repentance should be to always speak the truth as long as I live.’”

Yes,Allah accepted the repentance of Ka‘b and his two companions and revealed in that regard Qura’nic passages, saying:

“Allah has already forgiven the Prophet and the Muhajirin and the Ansaar who followed him in the hour of difficulty after the hearts of a party of them had almost inclined [to doubt], and then He forgave them. Indeed, He was to them Kind and Merciful.And [He also forgave] the three who were left behind [and regretted their error] to the point that the earth closed in on them in spite of its vastness and their souls confined [i.e., anguished] them and they were certain that there is no refuge from Allah except in Him.Then He turned to them so they could repent. Indeed,Allah is the Accepting of repentance, the Merciful.” 

The point to note in this story is that Talhah – may Allah be pleased with him – when he saw Ka‘b,he stood up for him,hugged and congratulated him. Hence, Ka‘b’s admiration increased for him, so much so that he would say after Talhah’s death, whilst narrating this story years later:“By Allah! I will never forget what Talhah did!”

And what did Talhah do to captivate the heart of Ka‘b? He demonstrated a great skill, by showing concern for him and sharing in his moment of happiness with him, and hence he became beloved to Ka‘b.

Being compassionate and sympathising with people captivates their hearts. If one was in the midst of his exams and received a text message saying:“Give me some good news about your exams. By Allah, I am concerned about you and praying for you.Your friend, Ibrahim.” - Would this not increase his admiration for the friend? No doubt, it would.

If one’s father was ill in hospital, and he was to remain with him in his room, distressed and preoccupied with concern, and his friend were to phone him, asking after the father, saying: “Do you need any help? I am always there if you need me,” he would certainly thank him.Then, if he were to call in the evening again, saying:“Does your family need anything that I can buy for them? Please let me know,” he would have thanked him and prayed for him. Do you not think that his heart would be endeared towards him further? Compare that to a friend who calls, saying:‘Hello! We are going off to the beach to have fun.What do you say? Do you want to come with us?” he would reply:‘Well, my father is ill, so I cannot.’ Then, instead of praying for the father and apologising for not asking about his condition, if the friend were to say, “I know that, but he is in the hospital and he has nurses to look after him. He won’t benefit much from your presence, anyway. Come with us, enjoy yourself and swim, etc.” If he said this while laughing and joking, as if he is unconcerned about the father’s illness, what would one’s view of the friend be then? No doubt, his status in his heart would decrease as he simply did not display any concern whatsoever about his worries. 

One of the most upsetting things ever to happen to me was when I was once in Jeddah for a few days. I was extremely busy at the time and meanwhile, I received a text message from my brother Su’ud which read:“May Allah grant you befitting patience. Your cousin has passed away in Germany.”

I called my brother who told me that this cousin of ours, who was elderly, had travelled just two days before that to Germany for heart treatment and had died during the operation. His body was soon to arrive at Riyadh airport. I prayed for him and sought Allah’s mercy for him, and ended the call with my brother. A couple of days later, my work in Jeddah was complete, and so I went to the airport, waiting for my flight to depart for Riyadh. 

There, a group of young men passed by me.When they saw me, they recognised me and greeted me. Some of them were adolescents with outlandish hairstyles, but I nevertheless joked with them and affectionately teased them.

I became busy with a telephone call and after I finished, I saw a young man wearing trousers and a shirt.When he saw me, he greeted me and shook my hand. I welcomed him and said, jokingly:“What is this fashion? It is as if today is your wedding day!” or words to that effect.

The young man remained silent for a while and then said: “I think you haven’t it recognised me. I am so-and-so. I have just arrived from Germany with my father’s body and I am flying off to Riyadh on the next available flight.”

I felt as if someone had poured a barrel of cold water over me. I was extremely embarrassed. His father had passed away, whose body happened to be with him in the plane, and yet here I was, joking with him and laughing.This was extremely awkward, indeed!

I remained silent for a second,before replying:“I am so sorry! By Allah, I did not realise it was you! I’ve been here for a few days, you see. May Allah grant you befitting patience and may he forgive your father.”

This was despite the fact that I had an excuse in not realising who he was, as I used to see him very infrequently and on those occasions he would be in his traditional dress and headscarf.

Therefore, because he wore trousers and surprised me, amongst a crowd of young men in Jeddah, I did not think that he was the person in question. 

Part of having concern for others is to share in their feelings and to show them that their worries are your worries, and that you love good for them.

For this reason, one would find that professional companies always have a Public Relations department,whose role is to send seasonal greetings, gifts, and so on.Whenever one shows people that they are valued and cared for, he captures their hearts and they then love him.

Here is a real-life example of this: If a person were to enter a place full of people and could not find a place to sit, and one was to move a little and offer him some space saying: “Please come here and have a seat”, he would recognise his concern for him and this would endear him to him. Or, if one was at a dinner party and you noticed him holding his plate, looking for a table with empty space, and he therefore vacated a seat for him, saying:“Welcome! Please have a seat here,” he would have noticed the concern for him.Therefore, if one shows people that he values them, they would love him.

The Prophet peace be upon himwould give utmost importance to this. Look at when he was delivering a sermon once on his pulpit one Friday,and suddenly a Bedouin entered the mosque,walked through the rows, looked at the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himand said in a loud voice:“O Messenger of Allah, I am a person who does not know what his religion is.Teach me what my religion is!”

The Prophet peace be upon himdescended from his pulpit and turned to the man. He asked for a chair, then sat on it, and then began to speak to the man and explain to him his religion until he understood. He then returned to the pulpit. 

This is a demonstration of having the utmost care for people. Who knows, if he had ignored him, the man may have remained ignorant with regards to his religion until he died.

If we were to learn about his character, we would find that when he would shake someone’s hand, he wouldn’t withdraw his hand until the other person withdrew his hand first. If a person were to speak to him, he would completely turn towards him, meaning that he would turn his face and body towards him, in order to listen with full attention.

Experience…

…tells us that whenever you show people that you value and care for them, you capture their hearts and are thus endeared to them.

23- Taking one’s psychological condition into consideration

23- Taking one’s psychological condition into consideration

People’s moods and circumstances fluctuate between sadness and happiness, health and illness, affluence and poverty, and stability and instability. Subsequently, their reaction to the way they are dealt with also changes depending on their psychological state at the time. A person may appreciate a joke when he is stable and relaxed, but not when he is upset. It would thus be very inappropriate to make a joke when visiting someone who was bereaved. But the same joke would be acceptable if said whilst out on a picnic. This is something all people understand and needs no further explanation. However, what does need to be clarified further is that one must take into consideration a person’s psychological state, emotions and personality when speaking to or dealing with him.

Imagine a woman who has just been divorced by her husband and whose mother and father have passed away. She collects her belongings and prepares to move in with her brother and his wife. In the middle of her preparation, her neighbour comes to visit her.As the neighbour thinks of something to discuss, the divorced woman says,“I saw you yesterday outside your house.”

The neighbour says,“Yes, my husband insisted on taking me out for dinner, so I went.Afterwards, we went to a shop where he bought me a skirt to wear at my sister’s wedding. We then went to the jewellers where he bought me a necklace to wear along with the skirt at the wedding.When we returned home, he noticed that the kids were bored, so he promised to take them out on the weekend.” 

As the poor divorced woman listens to all this, she reflects upon what her predicament will be when she leaves for her brother’s house. The question is, is it appropriate to discuss something of this nature when the woman has just come out of a failed marriage? Would this woman’s love for her neighbour increase due to this? Would she ever wish to sit with her ever again? I think we can all agree that the answer is a resounding ‘No!’

Rather,her heart would be filled with jealousy and envy.What then is the solution? Should her neighbour have lied to her? Of course not, but she could have spoken tactfully and in brief. She could have said, “We had some things to do, so we went out”, and then she should have changed the topic and tried to ease the pain of her neighbour.

Suppose two friends sit their secondary school examinations and one of them passes with flying colours whilst the other one fails in some subjects and therefore does not achieve the grades required for university.Would it be appropriate for the one who has passed to visit his friend and discuss the university that has accepted him and the various opportunities that have opened up? No doubt we would all say no.What then should he do? He should mention general matters that might lighten his worry. He could complain about the large number of applicants to universities, how many people are not accepted, and all the other things that might make his friend feel better.Thereafter, his friend would probably not mind sitting with him and remaining his companion. 

The same can be said about two young men who meet each other, one of whom has a generous father who is always showering him with wealth, while the other has a miserly father who hardly meets his needs. It would not be appropriate for the son of the generous father to speak about the generosity of his father and how he loves to spend on him, because this would distress his friend and cause him to remember his bad fortune with his father. Subsequently, he would not like to be in his company as he would feel that he is insensitive.

For this reason,the Prophet peace be upon himemphasised that people’s psychological conditions and sensitivities be considered. He said, “Do not stare at a leper.” (Ibn Majah, Sahih) A leper is not attractive to look at and hence, it is inappropriate that if he passes by a group of people that they should stare at him, for this would remind him of his affliction and hurt him further.

One occasion which beautifully demonstrates the Prophet’s consideration for people’s sensitivities is the way he dealt with Abu Bakr’s father when heading to the conquest of Makkah with the Muslim army. Abu Bakr’s father, Abu Quhafah, was a blind old man. He said to his granddaughter,“Dear daughter, take me to Mount Abu Qays so I can see for myself the truth of what they are saying, and whether Muhammad really is approaching or not.”

She took him to the mountain and then he said, “Tell me, what you see.” 

She said,“I see blackness approaching us.”

He said,“Those are the horses.”

She said, “I see a man going back and forth in front of that

blackness.”

He said,“He is the man responsible for leading the horses.” She said,“The blackness has now spread.”

He said, “By Allah, this means that the horses have nearly approached Makkah.Take me to my house quickly for they have said that whoever shuts himself in his house is safe!”

The girl brought him down the mountain, but they were intercepted by Muslim horsemen before they could reach home. Abu Bakr went to his father and greeted him.Then he took him by his hand to the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himin the mosque.When the Prophet peace be upon himsaw him, he found him to be an old man whose body had weakened and bones had softened and who was close to death.Abu Bakr looked at his father,who he now saw after a long period of separation, for he had been apart from his father in the service of his religion.

The Prophet peace be upon himsaid to Abu Bakr out of kindness,“Why didn’t you leave your old father at home so I could come to see him instead?”

Abu Bakr knew that they were in the middle of a war where the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him was their leader. He also knew that the Prophet peace be upon himhad very little time and too much to accomplish to visit the old man’s house and ask him to accept Islam. Hence, Abu Bakr thanked the Prophet peace be upon himand said,“O Messenger of Allah, it is more appropriate that he comes to you than for you to go to him.” 

The Prophet peace be upon himsat Abu Quhafah down in front of him very kindly, placed his hand on his chest and said,“Accept Islam.”

Abu Quhafah’s face illuminated, and he said, “I testify that there is no one worthy of worship but Allah and that Muhammad is His servant and messenger”, and Abu Bakr rejoiced as he had never done before.The Prophet peace be upon himgazed at the old man’s face and noticed that his hair had turned grey, so he said, “Dye his hair, but do not use black.”

Yes,he would take psychology into consideration when dealing with others. In fact, when he entered Makkah, he had divided the army into battalions and had given the banner of one of the battalions to the heroic Companion Sa’d bin ‘Ubadah – may Allah be pleased with him. It was considered very noble to carry the banner, not just for the carrier but also for his people. As Sa’d was looking at Makkah and its residents, he reflected upon how they had fought against the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him, put him under unbearable strain, turned people away from him, murdered Sumayyah and Yasir, and tortured Bilal and Khabbab. He thought that they surely deserved to be taught a lesson! Sa’d waved his banner and said,“Today is the day of slaughter! Today your inviolabilities will be attacked!”

This was unbearable for Quraysh.They feared that he might exterminate them all. Hence, a woman stepped forward and complained to the Prophet peace be upon him about Sa’d in words of poetry, begging him to prevent Sa’d from shedding anyone’s blood.

When Allah’s Messenger peace be upon himheard her poetic words, he was moved and felt pity. He didn’t want to disappoint her, just as he didn’t want to anger Sa’d by taking away the banner from him after having honoured him therewith. He therefore ordered Sa’d to hand over the banner to his son, Qays bin Sa’d, whom Sa’d was riding alongside, as they entered Makkah. Hence, the woman from Quraysh was happy when she saw that Sa’d was no longer carrying the banner, and likewise, Sa’d was not angered since he remained the leader of the battalion, except that he had spared himself the burden of carrying the banner and had thus given it to his son to carry instead. 

How wonderful it is to kill two birds with one stone!

Try not to lose anyone.Try to successfully win over everyone - even if there is conflict of interest between them.

Harmony...

We deal with hearts not bodies

21- Mu’awiyah’s hair 22- The keys to hearts

21- Mu’awiyah’s hair

A teacher once worked in a secondary school. In one of his lessons, he noticed that some students were being negligent and lagging behind in their revision, so he decided to teach them a lesson.After a few days,when he entered the classroom,and as soon as he sat down, he stunned the students by saying, “Everyone, please put your books away and take out a paper and pen!”

“Why?” asked the pupils.

“You have a surprise exam!” he said.

The pupils grumbled as they complied,but one not-so-bright, large-bodied student who was a known troublemaker shouted, “Teacher, we don’t want an exam now! I cannot even answer exam questions after revising, so what about when we have not revised at all?” The pupil said this in a very fierce tone and the teacher was furious.

He said, “Things don’t happen here just as you please! You must sit the exam! Do you understand? If you don’t like it, then get out of the classroom!”

The pupil replied back in rage, “Rather, you get up and leave!” 

The teacher turned to the pupil, walked up to him and began to curse him,“You have no manners! No etiquettes!”

The pupil stood up and some things occurred which I would rather not mention, but can be guessed.The matter reached the school administration.The pupil was punished by having his final marks decreased and was forced to pledge that he would never again misbehave.

As for the teacher, everyone at that school began speaking about him. He could not walk down a corridor without hearing people whispering something about him, until he was compelled to leave and join another school.

Now, another school teacher once faced the same dilemma, but he dealt with it appropriately. One day, he entered his classroom and surprised the pupils by saying,“Please, take out your pen and paper.You have a surprise exam!”

One pupil, like the one mentioned previously, screamed, “Teacher! You cannot give us an exam whenever you feel like it!”

The teacher was like a mountain that could feel the insignificant weight of the person trying to climb him. He knew that a stubborn person should not be responded to with yet more stubbornness. He smiled and looked at the pupil then said, “So, Khalid, you do not want to sit the exam?”

The pupil screamed,‘No!’

The teacher said very calmly,“OK.Whoever does not wish to sit the exam will have to face the school’s disciplinary procedure. 

So, write the questions down. Question number one: Solve the following equation...”

The teacher began to list the questions, but the pupil could not remain silent and said, “I told you, I don’t want to sit this exam!”

The teacher looked at the pupil with a smile and said,“Am I forcing you to sit an exam? You are an adult and responsible for your own actions.”

The pupil found that he could not make this teacher angry, so he calmed down, took out a pen and paper, and began to write down the questions.

Afterwards, he was disciplined by the school administration for misbehaviour.

When I reflected upon this story, I realised the difference in people’s ability to deal with diverse situations, and their expertise in either solving a problem or making it worse. Dealing with a stubborn person by using stubbornness only results in fireworks. Everyone would agree that fighting a fire with fire would only increase the flames, and that responding to coldness with coldness would not work either. Therefore, one’s relationship with others should be like the hair strand of Mu’awiyah…

Mu’awiyah was once asked, “How did you manage to be a governor for twenty years and then a Caliph for twenty years?”

He replied, “I placed a hair strand between myself and the people.I would hold it from one end and they would hold it from the other. If they pulled it from their end, I would loosen it from mine so that the hair strand would not break. If they loosened it from their end, I would pull on it from mine.” 

May Allah have mercy on him, how wise he was!

We can all agree that if both partners of a couple are stubborn, then they could never live together in happiness. Similarly, two stubborn people can never be friends for long.

I recall giving a lecture once in a prison. It happened that the lecture was to be delivered to a special section of the prison where most of the prisoners were guilty of murder or manslaughter. When I finished my lecture and the prisoners went back to their cells, one of them came forward to me to thank me. I realised that he was the one responsible for cultural activities in the prison. I asked him about the cause which led most of these men to commit murder.

He replied,“Just anger. By Allah, dear Shaykh, some of them have killed over a few riyals during a dispute with a shopkeeper or a petrol station attendant!”

Thereupon, I remembered the words of the Prophet peace be upon him,“A strong person is not the one who throws his adversaries to the ground. Rather, a strong person is he who contains himself when angry.” (al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Yes! The hero isn’t the one with a strong body who overpowers anyone he wrestles with, for if this was the yardstick of heroism, then surely the animals would have been nobler than men. Rather, the hero is the intelligent one who knows how to skilfully deal with diverse situations. The hero is the one who tactfully deals with his wife, children, manager, and colleagues without losing them. 

A Hadeeth states,“A judge should not give judgement whilst he is angry.” (Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi who said it is Hasan Sahih)

The Prophet peace be upon him ordered us to train ourselves on forbearance; he said,“Patience comes with forbearance.” (ad-Daruqutni, Hasan)

The meaning of this is that the first time one suppresses his anger, it may drain his emotions 100%.The second time, it will decrease to 90%.The third time, it will be 80%, and so on until forbearance becomes second nature.

An incident related to anger is when I once went to the city of Amlaj, which is 300 km to the south of Jeddah, in order to deliver a lecture.Among the audience was a young man who would very easily become angry.This young man was once driving his car on the road at a normal speed, as he was in no hurry. Behind him was another car whose driver seemed to be in a rush and was trying to overtake him. Seeing this, the young man slowed down even more and gestured at the car behind to slow down.

The driver of the car that was following could hold his patience no longer. He put his foot on the accelerator swerved close to the one’s car, and dangerously overtook, but nobody was hurt.The young man became furious, he was the type who would get angry over much less than this, and put his foot on the accelerator to catch up with the car that had overtaken him. He began to shout and gesture at the car so that its driver would stop, which he did. He then placed his headscarf on the passenger seat, grabbed a spanner, and got out of the car. He was visibly fuming as he walked towards the car. Suddenly, he saw three muscular men jump out of the other car and run towards him. They had seen him with the spanner in his hand and realised he wanted to fight.When he saw them running towards him he was terrified, and when he realised they had noticed the spanner in his hand,he slowly raised it and said,“I apologise.I just wanted to let you know that this spanner dropped out of your car!” 

One of the men took the spanner and the three men returned to their car as the young man waved goodbye!

Equation...

Ill temper + Ill temper = Fireworks!

22- The keys to hearts

Every door has a key. The key to open people’s hearts is to know their personalities, solve their problems, reconcile between them, benefit from their good and keep safe from their evil. One will become an expert in all these skills if he knows their personalities.

Suppose an argument took place between a father and son due to which the father ordered the son to leave the house.The son then tried to return but the father persistently refused.You then get involved in order to reconcile between the two and remind the father of the religious texts pertaining to this issue and warn him about the sin of breaking the ties of kinship. However, he does not accept your advice, so you decide to use a  different approach. You know that he has a very emotional personality and therefore go to him and say,“Won’t you have mercy on your son? He sleeps on the floor without any roof to cover him.You eat and drink whist he remains hungry and thirsty. Do you not think of him each time you raise a morsel of food to put into your mouth? Do you not think about how he has to walk in the heat of the sun? Do you remember when he was small how you would hug and kiss him? Do you not think for a second that he might be living on handouts whilst his father is alive?” 

You would find that the father will be moved by these words and come closer to considering reconciliation.

If his father was miserly, you could say to him, “Be careful and do not entangle yourself in further problems. Bring your son back so that he is under your supervision.You never know, he may steal or harm someone, due to which the court may order you to pay for the damage.You are, after all, his father, so be careful!”

You would find that the miser would reconsider due to his fear of loss of finances!

If you were speaking to the son and he loved wealth, you could say,“You need your father.Tomorrow, you would want to get married.Who would pay for the dowry? If your car breaks down, who will pay to get it fixed? If you fall ill, who will pay your medical fees? Your brothers are no doubt taking advantage of the situation as they are receiving their stipends and gifts whilst you sit here with nothing. Surely, you can change your situation by kissing your father on his forehead or saying sorry to him?”

Similarly, if you were called to reconcile between a husband and wife, you could do the same and open up their hearts towards each other by using the appropriate skills. Likewise, if you wanted leave from work and knew that your boss does not give much consideration to emotional or social factors and his only concern is work, you might say to him,“I need a break for about three days in order to regain strength and vigour. I feel that the enormous workload has resulted in me being temporarily inefficient. Please allow me to rest my head for three days so I may return to work invigorated.” If he is someone who has consideration for social factors, you may realise that he gives great importance to family matters.You could therefore say to him,“I need a vacation to visit my father and children. I have been feeling distant from them for a while.” 

Perfect these skills and very soon you will hear people saying about you,“We have not seen anyone as skilful as this person in convincing others.”

The result...

Every man has a key to his heart,and knowing his personality assists in identifying the right key to open it.

20- People are like the minerals of the earth

20- People are like the minerals of the earth

If we reflect upon our experiences with others, we find that people have different natures like the varying nature of the land. There are those who are soft, and those who are hard. There are those who are generous, like a fertile land, and those who are miserly, like a barren field that can neither hold water, nor produce fruit. People, therefore, differ immensely.

On reflection,we know that various terrains are traversed in different ways.The manner in which solid ground is walked upon is certainly not the way soft ground is. One would be relaxed walking on the former while apprehensive on the latter. Human beings are of a similar nature.

The Prophet peace be upon himsaid,“Allah created Adam from a handful of dust taken from different lands, so the children of Adam have been created according to the composition of the land.Therefore from mankind we have red, white, black and what comes in between these; we have good and evil, easygoing and sorrowful.” (Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidhi who said it Hasan Sahih)

Bear this in mind when dealing with others whether they are close, such as fathers, mothers, wives or children, or otherwise, such as neighbours, colleagues or even shopkeepers. 

People’s various natures and temperaments have an effect on their decisions. To prove this point, carry out the following experiment: If you ever have a problem with your wife, ask a friend of yours, whom you know to be harsh, for advice. Say to him,“My wife is giving me problems.She does not treat me with respect.What should I do?”

He would probably respond with,“Women can only be controlled by terror, fury and rage! Have a strong personality and show her that you are a man!” If you follow this advice, you may subsequently return home and as a result, break up your family.

Now, try another friend whom you know to be soft and gentle.Tell him what you told your previous friend.You will find that he would probably say something like,“Dear brother,she is the mother of your children.All marriages have problems. Have patience with her regardless of what happens. She is, after all, your wife and your life partner.”

Note how a person’s nature affects his views and decisions. For this reason, the Prophet peace be upon himforbade that a judge should pass a verdict when he is either thirsty, hungry or even feeling the urge to answer the call of nature.This is because these matters may affect a person, and subsequently influence his decisions and judgements.

In a previous era, there lived a mass murderer.Yes, a mass murderer who did not kill one, two, or even ten people. No, he had killed ninety-nine. I have no idea how this man managed to escape revenge; perhaps, he was so ruthless that none would ever dare approach him, or perhaps he kept in hiding.The important fact here though is that he was guilty of ninety-nine murders. One day, the idea of repentance crossed his mind, so he decided to ask the most knowledgeable scholar in the world. People pointed him in the direction of a monk in a monastery who would never leave his prayer mat, spending all his time praying to Allah and weeping. 

The man visited the monk, stood in front of him and asked,“I have killed ninety-nine souls. Could I still repent?”

How could this monk, who I think if he were to have killed an ant mistakenly would have spent the rest of his life weeping, respond to a person who had murdered ninety-nine people with his bare hands? The monk was furious. It was as if the man standing in front of him was the embodiment of the ninety-nine corpses! He yelled,“There is no repentance for you! There is no repentance for you!”

It should come as no surprise that such a response would be given by a monk who lacked knowledge and made emotional decisions.When the murderer heard this response he was enraged. Being the callous person he was, he grabbed a knife and repeatedly stabbed the monk, cutting him into pieces, then stormed out of the monastery.

After some time, he thought about repentance once again. He enquired about the most knowledgeable person he could ask, and the people referred him to a scholar.When he visited the scholar, he found him to be sedate and god-fearing.

The murderer came forward and asked,“I have killed a hundred people. Could I still repent?”

The scholar instantly replied, “SubhaanAllah! What could prevent you from repenting?” 

What a wonderful response! Who could prevent a person from repentance? The Lord is in the heavens and there is no power on earth that can prevent a person from repenting to Him submissively.

This scholar, who had made his statement based on knowledge and upon Allah’s Law as opposed to his whims and emotions,said to the man,“However,you are in an evil land.” Strange! How did he know that? He gathered this by knowing the magnitude of the man’s crime and the absence of anyone to forbid him. He realised that murder and oppression had become a norm in that city, so much so that nobody had any concern for the plight of the oppressed.

He said, “You are in an evil land.” Meaning, you must leave here and go to such-and-such a land where there are people worshipping Allah and join them in worshipping Him.

The man set out for that land but died before reaching it.The angels of mercy and those of punishment descended to take his soul.The angels of mercy argued that he had been on his way to repenting and returning to Allah.The angels of wrath argued that he had not done any good in his entire life.Therefore,Allah sent an angel in the form of a man to settle their dispute. He judged that the distance between the two cities be measured, and that the man be judged according to whichever of the two he had been closer to.Allah inspired the city of mercy to be closer and the city of disobedience to be farther. It was thus discovered that he had been closer to the city of virtue.The angels of mercy therefore took the man’s soul.

Unfortunately, many of those who pass verdicts in Islamic matters as well as some who seek them are often carried away by emotion. I recall one of my neighbours who often had arguments with his wife. One day he had a terrible one due to which he divorced her once, and then took her back.After that, he had another one due to which he divorced her again, only to take her back again. Each time I would meet him, I would remind him of the seriousness of divorce as well as of his responsibilities towards his small children. I would often say to him, “You only have one divorce left – the third one. If you were to divorce her again, she would no longer be yours and would not be allowed to marry you again except after having married another man and then being divorced from him, so fear Allah and do not destroy your household.” 

One day, he came to me again in a worried state and said, “Dear Shaykh, we had an argument again and I have divorced her for the third time!” Although I was not surprised at this, I was shocked when he continued, “Would you happen to know of a beloved Shaykh who can pass a verdict allowing me to take her back?”

On reflection, I came to realise what we have just mentioned above, that many people’s views – or even legal rulings – vary due to their nature and emotional state.Some people are known to love wealth by nature. One should not be surprised to see them humiliating themselves in front of the wealthy. Such people would neglect their own children in order to accumulate wealth and would hardly spend on those under their responsibility.This should come as no surprise, bearing in mind their greedy nature, as the fact is that most of the decisions they make and opinions they hold are based on their nature. 

If one wishes to deal with a person of this nature or make a request of him, then he should bear in mind, before speaking to him, his love for wealth, and then endeavour to not conflict with his nature in order to attain success with him. An example will illustrate this point: Suppose one bumps into an old university colleague and therefore invites him home for lunch, which he agrees to; one would then need to go shopping in order to purchase the required foods as well as time and effort in order to prepare the lunch.Suppose he then phones up some of his other old friends asking them to come around to meet this colleague... Amongst these friends may be a miser whose heart is captured by the love of wealth. He may be delighted to hear the voice of the caller, but would say when he hears about the lunch appointment,“Oh! How I wish I could come and meet so-and-so, but I am too busy with other things right now. Please do convey my greetings to him though. Perhaps, I will see him another time.” It is known by this person’s nature that he did not wish to come, fearing that he too would have to invite this colleague for lunch, which would cost him!

Therefore, one would say to such a person,“Well, he is not in town for long. He will most probably leave straight after the lunch.”

The friend would then say,“Oh, I see! In that case, I will delay what I have to do and come and see him!”

Other people tend to be socially restricted to their families. A person of this nature would always love to be with his family and could not bear leaving them. One could ask him for anything except for being parted from his children, even for a short while, as that would be too much for him to tolerate. 

The amazing person in this regard is he who is able to capture all kinds of hearts. If he travels with a miser, he wins the heart of his companion by being economical. If he sits with the emotional, he too is emotional towards them and so they love him. If he accompanies the light-hearted, he makes jokes and laughs along with them, thereby winning their hearts. He deals with each situation accordingly.

Look at the conduct of the Prophet peace be upon himas he advanced with his many battalions to conquer Makkah. Before the conquest, Abu Sufyan visited the Prophet peace be upon himand accepted Islam.When he became a Muslim, al-‘Abbas said to the Prophet peace be upon him,“O Messenger of Allah,Abu Sufyan is a man who loves pride and honour, so please offer him something.”

The Prophet peace be upon himsaid,“Yes,whoever enters the house of Abu Sufyan is safe.Whoever locks himself in his house is safe.Whoever enters the Mosque is safe.”

When Abu Sufyan set off to return to Makkah, the Prophet peace be upon himlooked at him and thought that this is the man who mobilised the Quraysh to fight him at Badr, Uhud and then Khandaq. He was a leader who had spent many years of his life in wars. Since he was a new Muslim, the Prophet peace be upon himwanted to show him the

strength of Islam.

The Prophet peace be upon him said to al-‘Abbas,“O ‘Abbas!”

“At your service, O Messenger of Allah!” replied al-‘Abbas.

He said,“Delay Abu Sufyan in the narrow pass of the valley

so that he can witness the armies of Allah as they pass by him.” 

Al-‘Abbas took Abu Sufyan to the narrow pass of the valley just as the armies began to flood into Makkah. The battalions, one by one,began to pass by him.When he saw the first battalion, he asked,‘Who are they, O ‘Abbas?’

Al-‘Abbas replied,“They are Sulaym.”

Abu Sufyan said,“What do I have to do with Sulaym?”

When the second battalion passed by, he asked, “Who are

they, O ‘Abbas?”

Al-‘Abbas replied,“They are Muzaynah.”

Abu Sufyan said,“What do I have to do with Muzaynah?”

Every time a different battalion passed by,Abu Sufyan asked the same question and made the same statement in response to al-‘Abbas’, until there finally came the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himwith his Green Army, surrounded by the Muhajirun and the Ansaar. Their bodies were covered with shields and nothing of them was to be seen except their eyes.

Abu Sufyan said, “SubhaanAllah! O ‘Abbas, Who are these people?”

Al-‘Abbas said, “This is the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him amongst the Muhajirun and the Ansar.”

He said, “This is the army of death! By Allah, nobody could ever challenge this army!”

He then said, “By Allah, O Abu al-Fadl, your nephew’s kingdom has expanded!”

Al-‘Abbas said,“O Abu Sufyan, this is prophethood!”

“Prophethood, it certainly is!” replied Abu Sufyan. 

When the armies had passed by, al-‘Abbas told him to rush back and warn his people. Abu Sufyan quickly went back to Makkah and began to shout at the top of his voice,“O Quraysh! Muhammad is approaching with an army you cannot match! Whoever enters the house of Abu Sufyan shall be safe!”

The people said,“May Allah curse you! What good will your house do us?”

He said,“Whoever shuts himself in his house is safe! Whoever seeks refuge in the Mosque is also safe!” The people dispersed into their houses and some entered the Mosque. How wonderful was the Prophet peace be upon himto have such a positive effect on Abu Sufyan!

A person’s nature and personality should be understood before he is spoken to, as this would assist a great deal when dealing with him.

At the expedition known as al-Hudaybiyah, the Prophet peace be upon him left with the Muhajirun and Ansaar as well as other Arabs for ‘Umrah.They numbered a thousand and four-hundred altogether.They had taken with them animals to slaughter and had made the Ihraam, so it was known that they were heading to visit the House in its honour.The Prophet peace be upon himtook with him seventy camels to slaughter in the Haram.When they approached Makkah, the Quraysh prevented them from going further, so the Prophet peace be upon himand his Companions camped at a place called al-Hudaybiyah. The Quraysh then began sending messages to the Prophet peace be upon him, one after the other, to bargain with him.

They first dispatched to him Mikraz bin Hafs. Mikraz was from Quraysh but was not known for keeping to his agreements. 

As a matter of fact,he was an evil and treacherous person.When the Prophet peace be upon himsaw him approaching he said,“He is a treacherous person.” When he came to the Prophet peace be upon him, the Prophet peace be upon him spoke to him in the way that he deserved, and further informed him that he had not come to fight; rather, he had only come to perform ‘Umrah.The Prophet peace be upon himdid not sign any agreement with him as he knew he never kept his promises.

Mikraz returned to the Quraysh without any result. They then sent Halis bin ‘Alqama, the chieftain of the Ahabish, who were allies of the Quraysh.They had settled in Makkah in honour of the Haram and in the service of the Ka’bah.

When the Prophet peace be upon him saw Halis he said, “This man is from a people who think highly of animal sacrifice. Drive the sacrificial animals in full view of him so that he can see them.” When he saw the sacrificial animals and realised that they had been brought all the way to Makkah to be sacrificed at the Ka’bah, he became worried. He didn’t even meet the Prophet peace be upon him, for how could he have even thought of preventing them when they had so obviously come solely to perform ‘Umrah. He therefore returned immediately to the Quraysh and told them his opinion frankly.

The Quraysh said,“Sit down! You are simply a nomad Arab. You have no idea regarding plots and conspiracies.”

Al-Halis became angry and said, “O Quraysh! By Allah, this is not what we pledged allegiance to you upon. Are you going to prevent someone who comes to honour the House of Allah? By the One who has the soul of al-Halis in His Hand, you must allow Muhammad to perform ‘Umrah, or I will leave along with all of my tribe!” 

They said, “Refrain! Let us decide for ourselves what we wish!”

They then decided to send an honourable person from Quraysh, so they chose ‘Urwah bin Mas‘ud at-Thaqafi.

He said,“O Quraysh, I have seen the response given to you by some of those you have already sent.You know that you are like the father and I am the son.”

They said, “You are correct. We cannot accuse you of anything.”

‘Urwah was one of the leaders amongst his people who was much honoured and respected. He went to the Prophet peace be upon himand said, “O Muhammad! You have gathered all these people and returned to your birthplace. The Quraysh have come out and pledged to Allah that you will not enter Makkah by force against their will. By Allah, all these people around you may well desert you!”

Abu Bakr was standing behind the Prophet peace be upon him. When he heard this,he said,“Go and suck on the clitoris of al-Laat! Would we desert him?”

‘Urwah being a leader of his people was shocked at the response,for he was not used to such language.However,he need

ed a dose of this medicine to treat the arrogance he carried.

‘Urwah said,“Who is this, O Muhammad?”

He said,“This is Ibn Abi Quhafah.”

‘Urwah said,“By the One who has my soul in His Hand,had it not been for a favour you gave to me and which I never repaid, I would have given you a similar response.” 

‘Urwah then began using mild and measured expressions. As he spoke to the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him, he would attempt to stroke his beard. While this was happening, al-Mughirah bin Shu’bah at-Thaqafi stood beside the Prophet peace be upon him with an iron mask covering his face.As ‘Urwah would bring his hand closer to the Prophet’s beard, al-Mughirah would thrust it away with his sword. ‘Urwah repeated his act and al-Mughirah did the same. When ‘Urwah reached out for the Prophet’s beard for the third time, al-Mughirah said, “Draw back your hand from the face of Allah’s Messenger before you lose it!” Meaning, before I cut it off.

‘Urwah said,“Woe to you! How crude and coarse you are! Who is this, O Muhammad?”

The Prophet peace be upon him smiled and said, “He is your nephew, al-Mughirah bin Shu’bah at-Thaqafi.”

‘Urwah said,“You’d do this, you traitor? It was only yesterday that I washed away your treachery!”

‘Urwah then left the Prophet peace be upon him and returned to Quraysh and said, “O Quraysh! By Allah, I have met Kisra, Caesar and Negus, but by Allah, I have not seen a king being honoured by his people the way Muhammad is honoured by his Companions.” Upon hearing this awestruck man, the Quraysh were left awestruck themselves. They then decided to send Suhayl bin ‘Amr instead. Suhayl went to the Prophet peace be upon himand when the Prophet peace be upon him saw him he said,“The matter is now easy to resolve.” They then wrote the well-known pledge of al-Hudaybiyah.  

This was a demonstration of the Prophet’s recognition of different personalities and the correct approach of dealing with each individual based on his personal merit and individuality.

The variance in people’s personalities is noticeable by analysing the way they react to the various stories or incidents that are related to them.One can carry out this experiment himself:Try relating a sad story to a group of people and see how differently people react.

I recall delivering a Friday sermon once wherein I mentioned the story of ‘Umar’s assassination. When I came to the part where Abu Lu’lu’ the Magian stabbed ‘Umar, I said in a loud voice, “Suddenly, Abu Lu’lu’ jumped at ‘Umar and stabbed him three times! The first stab hacked his chest. The second went into his stomach.Then, with all his strength, he thrust his sword into ‘Umar below his navel and dragged the knife across his body until his intestines emerged.”

I noticed that the people varied in their reaction to my words: Some closed their eyes as if they were witnessing the murder taking place in front of them.

Others wept.

Others showed no reaction at all, as if they were listening to a bedtime story.

You would witness a similar mixed reaction if you were to relate the story of Hamzah when he was killed in Uhud; how his stomach was cut open,his liver taken out,his ears cut off,and his nose mutilated,Hamzah,being the master of the martyrs and the lion of Allah and His Messenger peace be upon him. 

Another lesson that I have learnt from my life is that one will almost inevitably come across a person who is uncouth and ignorant. Neither can such a person articulate himself appropriately, nor is he courteous to his audience.

I recall such a person sitting in a public gathering where he decided to relate an incident involving a shopkeeper. As he related the story he said, “This shopkeeper was huge, like a donkey!” He then said,“He looked like Khalid!’ while pointing at the person next to him! I have no idea how he managed to liken poor Khalid to a donkey!

Before ending this chapter, an important question must be answered:Can one change his own personality to suit that of the one he is interacting with?

The answer is:Yes!

‘Umar – may Allah be pleased with him – was known for his strong personality. One day, a man quarrelled with his wife and came to ‘Umar to ask him advice on how to deal with her.When he stood at ‘Umar’s door and was about to knock, he heard ‘Umar’s wife shouting at him while ‘Umar remained silent. He neither shouted back, nor rebuked her!

The man was amazed, and turned back to leave.‘Umar heard a noise at the door, so he went out and called the man,“What do you need?”

He said, “O Amir al-Mu’minin, I came to you to complain about my wife, but then I heard your wife shouting at you!”

‘Umar said,“She is my wife who sleeps with me, makes me food and washes my clothes. Shall I not be patient with her?”

For some people there is no solution, and with them one must remain patient. A person may complain to me about his father’s anger or his wife’s miserliness,and so on.I would suggest a few solutions only to hear he has tried all of them and has had no success! What then is the solution?

The solution is that one should remain patient with such people and try to ignore their bad traits in light of their virtues. They should try to accommodate them however much they can, for some problems simply have no solution.

The result...

Knowing the personality of the one you are dealing with helps you earn his love.