Many of the things we do in life are actually done for others and not for ourselves.When you are invited to a wedding party, you wear your best clothes.You do this in order to attract people’s attention and to amaze them with your appearance,and not for your own sake.
You become happy when you notice that they admire your beautiful appearance, or your glamorous clothes.When you decorate your lounge, and put effort into adorning and taking care of it, you do it mostly for others’ sight and not your own.This is evident by the fact that you look after your lounge more than your own room, or your children’s room.
When you call your friends to dinner,don’t you see that your wife, and perhaps, even you, make sure that the food is well arranged and is more varied than usual?
Undoubtedly, you do! The more important your friends are to you, the greater your concern about the food. How often are we overwhelmed with happiness when someone praises our clothes or the décor of our house, or the taste of our cooking? The Prophet peace be upon himhas said,“Let a man come to the people how he likes the people to come to him,” meaning, treat the people how you like to be treated by them. How?
If you see that your friend is wearing a beautiful garment, notice it and compliment his taste. Let him hear the resounding words in praise, “Praise be to Allah! How beautiful it is! It is as if today is your wedding day!” Similarly, if someone were to visit you one day and you smell nice perfume emanating from his clothes, you should praise him and indulge him, for he did not apply the perfume except for you. He would definitely appreciate your oft repeated encouraging phrases, praising him such as, “What a beautiful fragrance! You have excellent taste!”
If a person calls you over for dinner, praise his food, for you know that his mother, wife, or sister stood for hours in the kitchen just for you, or for the guests in general, and you happen to be one of them. Or at least, he may have made an effort to bring the food from a restaurant and confectioners. So let him hear the words that would make him realise that you appreciate his efforts, and that his labours did not go in vain.
If you were to enter the house of one of your friends and you were to see nice furniture, make sure to make a positive remark about the furniture and the great choice your friend possesses. (However, avoid over-praising, lest it begins to sound as if you are mocking him).
If you go to a general gathering and hear someone speaking to those present eloquently, thereby livening the atmosphere and delighting the audience, then praise him. Hold his hand when you get up. Say to him, “Masha Allah, what an amazing orator! Nothing illuminated the gathering except your presence!” The next time you find yourself in the company of such a person,
try this out with him and he is almost guaranteed to develop a liking for you.
If you witness a son being good to his father - for instance, he kisses his hand, or brings his shoes closer to him for his ease
-praise the son and be compimentary. If you meet one wearing a new garment, praise him and be radiant. If you visit your sister and notice how she takes care of her children, praise her joyfully. If you see how your friend takes care of his children or how splendidly he welcomes his guests, be daring, compliment and praise him. Express the admiration you feel in your chest for his actions. If you sit in someone’s car or rent a taxi and notice the cleanliness of the car, or the expertise of the driver, then be complimentary and praise him.
You may say,“These are all things that people normally do.” True, but still, praising them over such things doesn’t fail to affect them. I have tried it out myself and tested this skill on a number of people, young and old, ordinary workers and teachers. In fact, I have even tried it with people who work in high positions. I noticed how incredibly they were affected, especially concerning things where people expect others to comment on.
You see a groom a week after his wedding who has acquired a degree in higher education and just moved to a new house. No doubt he is expecting you to congratulate and compliment him. Be as people expect you to be – do not disappoint him.
‘Abdul-Majid, my cousin, was a young man in secondary school. After he completed his secondary education, he asked me to come with him to apply to a university. I rang him one morning and drove to his house to take him with me there.At the time, he had many feelings in his heart since he was moving on to the next stage in his education, and thinking about the college that would accept him as a student. When he entered my car, I smelt his perfume, which I thought was very strong. It seemed as though he had emptied out an entire bottle on himself that day! Frankly, I choked on the scent so I wound down the window to be able to breathe. I then realised that the poor boy had put a lot of effort in adorning himself and applying perfume.So I turned to him smiling and said,“MashaAllah! What an amazing scent! I think that the Head of Department, by merely smelling the sweet scent, would shout at the top of his voice, ‘You have been accepted!’ ”
You cannot imagine the extent to which happiness engulfed his heart and joy enveloped his face. He turned to me and said with all zeal, “Thank you, dear Abu Abd al-Rahman! Thank you very much! By Allah, this is an expensive perfume. Whenever I apply it, people do not even notice!” He then began to smell his scarf and said,“By Allah, I have excellent taste!”
This happened to me more than fifteen years ago. Since that time, Abdul-Majid has graduated from the university and has been employed for years; but this incident has remained in his memory. Sometimes he even fondly jokes of this incident when we meet.
Yes! Be complimentary. Controlling people’s emotions and acquiring their love is an easy job. However, many times we ignore these basic means through which we can win people over. Do not then be surprised if I say that the man with the best ever character, the Prophet peace be upon himused to employ these tactics, and even better ones!
In the early years of Islam, when the Muslims were being persecuted for their religion in Makkah, they subsequently migrated to Madinah,leaving their homes and wealth behind.At this time, ‘Abd ar-Rahman bin ‘Awf came to Madinah as a migrant. Although,‘Abd ar-Rahman used to be a successful businessman in Makkah, he arrived in Madinah poor, with no possessions to his name. As a quick solution to this widespread problem, the Prophet peace be upon him joined the emigrants and the helpers in a bond of brotherhood. Thus, he made ‘Abd ar-Rahman bin ‘Awf and Sa’d bin ar-Rabi’ al-Ansari, brothers.
Their souls were sound and their hearts were clean. Hence, Sa’d said to ‘Abd ar-Rahman,“Dear brother, I am the wealthiest of all the people of Madinah. Split my wealth in two and take one half and leave the other half for me.” Sa’d then felt that perhaps ‘Abd ar-Rahman wanted to get married, and he may not find a wife, so he proposed that he should help him in getting married. ‘Abd ar-Rahman then said, “May Allah bless you in your family and wealth. Please, just guide me to the marketplace.”
Although ‘Abd ar-Rahman left his wealth in Makkah and the disbelievers confiscated it, he was intelligent and had good business sense and experience. Sa’d upon his request, led him to the marketplace, after which ‘Abd ar-Rahman bought merchandise on credit, sold it on the spot, and made profits. Thereby, he acquired capital with which he could do business. He was an expert in buying, selling and bargaining.After a while, he earned some wealth for himself and got married. He then came to the Prophet peace be upon himsmelling of saffron, a scent usually worn by women, although it was not unusual since he was the groom.
The Prophet peace be upon him being a doctor of hearts with an observant, caring personality, would seek out moments where he could captivate people’s hearts. He noticed this change in ‘Abd ar-Rahman, and began to pay attention to the scent, and then said to him,“What’s new?”
‘Abd ar-Rahman happily said, “O Messenger of Allah, I have married a woman from the Ansaar.” The Prophet peace be upon himbecame surprised as to how soon he was able to marry, having just migrated!
He then asked, “What did you give her as dowry?” ‘Abd ar-Rahman replied, “I paid gold, equal to the weight of a date-stone.”
The Prophet peace be upon himthen wanted to increase him in his joy, thus he said, “Give a wedding banquet, even if it is only with one sheep”; meaning, hold a celebration for us all for your wedding. The Prophet peace be upon himthen prayed for more blessings in his wealth and business, hence he was blessed.
‘Abd ar-Rahman said while describing his livelihood and business,“If you saw me then, you would have known that if I were to have turned over a stone, I would have found gold or silver underneath it!”
The Prophet peace be upon him had an observant, caring personality, even with the weak and poor. He would make them feel valued. He would make them feel that he was aware of them, that they were important to him, and that he valued their efforts, no matter how insignificant they were. When he missed them, he would remember to mention them with good and praise their work, which would encourage others to do the same.
There was, in Madinah, a black lady who was a righteous believer. She used to clean the mosque. The Prophet peace be upon him would see her every now and then, and marvel at her keenness. Later, several days went by and the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himdid not see her. When he asked about her, his Companions said, “She has passed away, O Messenger of Allah.” He replied, “Why did you not inform me about this?” They then began to minimise the importance of her death, saying that she was a poor and obscure person, and not worthy enough for the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him to be informed about her death.They also said,“She died in the middle of the night, so we did not want to wake you up.”
The Prophet peace be upon himwas then very keen to pray over her, for her work - even if the people deemed it insignificant -was great in the sight of Allah. But how could he pray over her whilst she was dead and buried? “Lead me to her grave,” he ordered.The Companions then went with the Prophet peace be upon him, until they reached her grave. The Prophet peace be upon him prayed over her and said, “These graves are filled with darkness for their dwellers, but Allah illuminates these graves when I pray over them.”
Tell me, in Allah’s Name, how would they feel, those who saw the Prophet peace be upon himvalue such a small deed by a weak woman? How great would their zeal be to do what this woman used to?
Allow me to whisper this in your ears:We live in a society where such skills are not valued, so pay attention to this! Let not your enthusiasm die out due to a group of cumbersome and antagonistic people who, no matter how much you admire their good qualities, or praise them with soft and beautiful words,
would not be affected.They respond to your politeness with dull and boring words, with no taste, colour or smell!
One noteworthy story concerning such people concerns a young man I know who was once invited to a great wedding ceremony where very important people were invited. He passed by a marketplace on his way and entered a perfume shop and pretending that he wanted to buy perfume. Hence, the shopkeeper welcomed him kindly and began to spray various expensive and sweet-smelling perfumes on him, so he may choose whatever may suit him best.
However, when this friend of ours managed to cover his entire garment with perfume, he kindly said to the shopkeeper, “Thank you, very much! If any of these perfumes impress me, I might return to you.”
He then rushed off to the ceremony, hoping to arrive before the scent wore off. He finally arrived and sat next to his friend, Khalid, but Khalid did not notice the scent or even pass a comment.This friend of ours then said in astonishment,“Can’t you smell the beautiful scent?” Khalid said: “No.” Our friend said, “Your nose must be blocked!” Upon hearing this,Khalid instantly responded,“If my nose was blocked, I would not have smelt your odour!”
An acknowledgement…
No matter how successful one becomes, he would irrevocably remain human, and dance to words of praise.
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