1- They did not benefit
I remember once receiving a message on my mobile phone which read:“Dear Shaykh, what is the ruling on suicide?”
I called the sender to find a very young man on the other end of the line.I said,“I am sorry,I didn’t understand your question. Can you please repeat your question?”
He said with a grieving voice,“The question is clear.What is the ruling on suicide?”
I decided to surprise him by saying in response something unexpected, so I said,“It is recommended!”
He screamed,“What?!”
I said,“How about if we discuss the best way for you to do it?”
The young man fell silent. I said to him, “OK. Why do you want to commit suicide?”
He said,“Because, I can’t find work. People do not love me. In fact, I am an utter failure...”, and thus he began to relate to me his long story in order to prove that he had failed to develop his interpersonal skills and was unsuccessful in utilising his talents. This is a problem with many people. Why do some of us feel inferior? Why do we look at those at the peak of the mountain while thinking of ourselves as unworthy of reaching that peak as they have, or even climbing it as they did?
The one frightened of climbing mountains
forever lives in the ditches
Do you wish to know who will not benefit from this book, or any other similar book, for that matter? It is the unfortunate one who surrenders to his own errors and becomes satisfied with his limited skills, and says,“This is my nature. I have become too used to it now; I cannot change my ways. Everyone knows this is how I am. I can never speak like Khalid does, or have a cheerful countenance like Ahmad has, or be universally loved the way Ziyad is.That would be impossible.”
I once sat with a very old man in a public gathering. Most of those present were people with the usual skills and abilities. The old man was busy speaking to whoever was sitting next to him. He did not stand out in the crowd for any reason, except by virtue of his old age.
I delivered a lecture and during it mentioned a verdict given by the eminent Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Aziz bin Baz.When I finished, the old man said to me with pride,“Shaykh Ibn Baz and I were colleagues.We used to study together in a mosque under Shaykh Muhammad bin Ibrahim, about forty years ago.”
I turned around to look at him and noticed that he seemed very happy to share this information with me. He was delighted to have accompanied a successful man once in his life. I said to myself,“Poor man! Why did you not become as successful as Ibn Baz? If you knew the way to success, why did you not pursue it?
Why is it that when Ibn Baz passes away,people cry for him from the pulpits, mihrabs, and institutes, and various nations grieve over the loss; yet, when your death comes, perhaps, nobody would shed a single tear, except out of kindness or custom!”
We all may say at some time or another,“We knew so-andso and we sat with so-and-so.” But this is nothing to be proud of. What one can be proud of is to scale the peak as they did.
Be brave and from now on be determined to utilise all the abilities you possess. Be successful. Replace the frown on your face with a smile, depression with cheerfulness, miserliness with generosity, and anger with perseverance. Turn your calamities into occasions of joy and your faith into a weapon!
Enjoy your life, for it is brief and there is no time in it for anguish. As for how to do this, then this is the reason for my writing this book. So bear with me until the end, with Allah’s permission.
You will bear with us if...
You are brave enough to be determined and persistent on the development of your interpersonal skills, and if you are willing to take advantage of your abilities and talents.
2. What are we going to learn?
People generally tend to share their moments of happiness and sorrow. They are happy when they become wealthy. They will be joyous when promoted at work, content when they recover from illness, and cheerful when the world smiles at them and fulfils their dreams.
Likewise, they all grieve over illness, disgrace and loss of wealth.Knowing this to be the case,let us look for ways in which to make our joy everlasting and hence overpower our sorrows. Yes, in reality life tends to be both sweet and bitter, and on this we would not disagree, but why do we often focus on our calamities and sorrows, and as a result become depressed for days on end? Where an hour is enough to grieve over something, hours on end are spent grieving.Why?
I realise that sorrow and anguish enter our hearts without seeking permission, but for each door of sadness that opens there are a thousand means of shutting it, and these are what we will expound here.
Allow me to bring your attention to another matter: How often is it that we see those people who are loved by everyone? Many long to meet them and be in their company, but do you
not wish to be one of them? Why be content at being amazed by such people all the time? Why not try to be amazing yourself?
Here we will learn how to be amazing.
Why was it that when your cousin spoke at the gathering, everyone listened to him attentively? Why were they amazed at his manners of speech? Why was it that when you spoke, they all turned away and began to talk amongst themselves? Why was that? You may be more well-informed, better qualified and possess a higher status than him. How then did he manage to get all the attention and you failed?
Why is it that one father is dearly loved by his children who love to greet him and accompany him wherever he goes, while another father begs his children to accompany him while they keep making all kinds of excuses to avoid doing so?
Are they not both fathers? Then why the difference?
Here we will learn how to enjoy life, know the various techniques to attract people, influence them, persevere with their faults,deal with people with bad manners,and much,much more. So, welcome!
A word...
Success is not to discover what others like, it is to acquire and practise the skills that help one gain their love.
3. Why do we search for skills?
I once visited a deprived town to deliver a lecture, after which there came to me a teacher from outside the town. He said,“I hope you can help us finance some students.”
I said, “Strange! Aren’t the schools government funded, and therefore free?”
He said, “Indeed they are, but we would like to fund their university education.”
I said, “Well, the universities are also government funded. They even offer student grants.”
He said,“Allow me to explain to you...”
“Go ahead”, I said.
He said,“Our students graduate from their secondary school with no less than 99%.They are so clever that if their intelligence was divided amongst the ummah, it would suffice! But when a student becomes determined to travel outside his town to study Medicine, Engineering, Islamic Law, Computer Science or anything else, his father prevents him from going, saying,‘What you know is sufficient! Now, remain with me and be a shepherd!’”
I screamed impulsively,“Be a shepherd?!”
He said,“Yes, a shepherd!”
And indeed, the poor boy stays with his father and becomes a shepherd, whilst all his abilities are wasted.Years go by and he remains a shepherd. He may even get married and have children whom he may treat exactly as he was treated by his father.
Hence, all his children also become shepherds!
I asked,“So what’s the solution?”
He said, “The solution is to convince the father to employ someone as a shepherd for a few hundred riyals, which we will pay, and allow his son to take full advantage of his skills and abilities. Of course, we will also continue to fund his son until he graduates.”
The teacher then lowered his head and said, “It is inexcusable that such skills and talents in people are wasted when they long to utilise them.”
I contemplated upon what he had said and realised that we cannot reach the pinnacle except by taking advantage of the abilities we have and acquiring those that we do not.
Yes, I would challenge anyone to find a successful person, be they successful in academia, preaching, lecturing, business, medicine, engineering, or influencing others; or be they successful in family life, such as a successful father with his children, or a successful wife with her husband; or be they successful in their social life, such as a person who is successful with his neighbours and colleagues – and I mean a truly successful person, not one who simply climbs upon others’ shoulders! – I would challenge anyone to find me any such highly successful person who does not practise certain interpersonal skills through which he has been able to achieve such success, whether they realise it or not.
Some people may exercise such interpersonal skills instinctively, while others may have to learn them in order to be successful, and these latter people are the types of successful personalities whose lives we would like to study and whose methods we would closely seek to follow in order to discover how they were successful, and to find out whether or not we can take their route to success.
A while ago, I listened to an interview with one of the most affluent people in the world,Shaykh Sulayman al-Rajihi,and found him to be a mountain in terms of his manners and thoughts.This man owns billions, possesses immense real estate, has built hundreds of mosques, and has sponsored thousands of orphans. He is hugely successful. He spoke of his humble beginnings around fifty years ago, when he was a regular person who would only have enough money to feed himself for the day, and sometimes not even that. He mentioned that he would sometimes clean people’s houses to feed himself and continue working at night at a shop or money exchange. He discussed how he was once at the bottom of the mountain, and how he continued to climb until he reached the summit.
I thought about the abilities and skills he possesses and realised that many of us are well capable of being like him, if Allah grants us the ability. If one learns these skills, exercises them, perseveres and remains steadfast, then yes, he can surely be like him.
Another reason for us to search for these skills is that some of us may have certain abilities, which we remain unaware of, or which nobody has assisted us in discovering, such as the skills of delivering a lecture, business acumen, or possessing general knowledge.
One may discover these skills on his own, through a teacher’s or a work colleague’s help, or even through a sincere brother, however few they may be! However, these skills may remain buried inside the person until his personality becomes as stale as anyone else’s, and this is when we all lose out on another leader, lecturer or scholar, or perhaps a successful husband, or a caring father.
Here we will mention certain skills which we would like to remind you of if you already possess them, or which we would like to train you in if you don’t. So come along!
A thought...
When you climb a mountain, look to the top and not to the rocks that surround you. Make sure of where you step as you climb, and do not leap in case you loose your footing.
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