Flattery is the key to people’s hearts. From the most fantastic of skills that one can exercise is to train himself to discover the positive points in people and praise them for these points before drawing their attention to a fault.
Many people reject advice not because of arrogance or the lack of conviction that they are at fault, but only because the one advising does not give the advice in an appropriate fashion.
Suppose you go to a government hospital for treatment. When you approach the reception, you find the receptionist to be a young man who is engrossed in his newspaper whilst smoking cigarettes, heedless about whatever may be happening around him.
You notice that there is an old man standing at the reception holding a small baby in one hand, and an appointment letter in the other, waiting for the receptionist to direct him to see the relevant doctor. Next to him there is an old woman carrying a little girl who is shivering with fever, waiting for the receptionist to finish reading the latest news about the football club he supports, so he can direct her to the paediatrician.
When you see this situation, you become uptight - and this is understandable -and scream at the receptionist, “Hey you! Are you in a hospital or elsewhere? Don’t you fear Allah? The patients are moaning in pain and you are just sitting there reading your paper and having a smoke! This is amazing! Someone like you can only be dealt with by lodging a complaint to your manager! In fact, you should be sacked!”
You begin to strike the receptionist like thunderbolts with these statements. Let us suppose that he does not respond to you, or at least he does not scream back at you. Let us suppose that he puts his newspaper aside and directs the patients to the relevant doctors. Do you think that you have successfully solved the problem? Not at all! Yes,you did deal with the crisis at hand, but you did not solve the problem, because, even if he responds positively to you now, he will return and do the same tomorrow or the day after.
How should you then deal with him?
You should first quell your rage and then approach him. Deal with him rationally and not emotionally. Do not let the intolerable scene affect the way you behave.Smile,even if you are angry,
even if it be a fake smile.
Say to him,“as-Salaamu ‘alaykum!”
He would respond, as he looks at the photograph of his fa
vourite player,“alaykum al-Salaam, please wait a second...”
Say to him anything that would make him turn to you, such as,“How are you doing? Good evening to you, by the way!”
He would surely raise his head and say,“al-hamdulillah, I am fine.” You have now already accomplished half of the mission.
Be kind to him by flattering him, “Believe me, I don’t think someone like you should work at reception.”
He will be surprised and ask,“Why is that?”
Say to him,“Because a bright face such as yours, if a patient were to see it, his illness would disappear and he wouldn’t need to see a doctor anymore!”
He would smile back at you in surprise and become excited. Now he is ready to accept advice.
He would say to you,“How can I help you?”
You then say to him,“Dear brother,do you see this old man here and this old woman? Why don’t you deal with them first?”
He will get hold of their appointment letters and direct them to the relevant doctors. He will then take your appointment letter.When he has finished dealing with your letter and hands it over to you,you would say to him,“SubhaanAllah! This is the first time I have met you,and you have already entered into my heart! I don’t know how! By Allah, you are more beloved to me than thousands of others!” And you haven’t lied since he definitely is more beloved to you than millions of disbelievers!
He would be very pleased and thank you for your kindness. You can then say to him,“I have some words to offer to you, but I fear you might get upset.”
He would say,“Not at all! Please go ahead!”
You can then give him the advice,“Allah has blessed you with this job.You are working right at the forefront of the hospital. You are also an example to others. It would be nice if you were to be a little kind to the patients and show concern over them.
Perhaps the old man or the old woman would pray for you in the darkness of the night.”
He would most certainly lower his head in shame as you speak and say,“Thank you very much. May Allah reward you.”
In this manner, you should try to deal with anyone whose manners need reformation. If you know of a person who takes his prayers lightly, or a father who doesn’t care much about his daughters’ appearance due to which they do not cover properly, or a young man who is disobedient to his parents, and you want to rectify their faults, then you must use the appropriate skills.
Use kind words to correct others’ faults. Be well-mannered and respectful towards their opinion.Tell them,“I am only advising you because I know you will accept my advice.”
Allah says in the Qur’an, “O you who believe! When you consult the Messenger in private, spend something in charity before your private consultation.”
The wise educator,the Prophet peace be upon him,would offer advice so skilfully that the people would have no choice but to accept the advice. Once, he decided to teach Mu’adh some words he wanted him to say after the prayers in remembrance of Allah. He turned to Mu’adh and said,“By Allah, I love you! So please do not forget to say at the end of each prayer,‘O Allah,help me to remember you, thank you, and worship you in the finest manner.”
I ask you by Allah, what is the connection between the first part of the Prophet’s speech,“By Allah, I love you...”, and the second part of his speech,“Do not forget to say,O Allah! Help me to remember you.”?
Perhaps it would have been more appropriate when he had said, “I love you...” to say, “...and I would like you to marry my daughter” – for example, or, “I want to give you some wealth”, or,“I want to invite you over for dinner.”
However, after informing him that he loved him, he taught him instead to say a few words in Allah’s remembrance! This surely deserves contemplation.
Why did he say,“I love you...”? He said it to mentally prepare him to take the advice that followed positively, by showing him true emotional concern.When Mu’adh’s soul felt content after hearing those words, the Prophet peace be upon him then gave him the advice.
On another occasion, the Prophet peace be upon himtook hold of ‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud’s right hand by his right hand and then placed his left hand on top, as a gesture of kindness in order to mentally prepare him for advice. He then said,“O ‘Abdullah, when you sit for at-Tashahhud in the prayer, you should say,‘Salutations to Allah. All acts of worship and good deeds are for Him. Peace and the mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you, O Prophet!”
‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud retained this in his memory.After many years had passed and the Prophet peace be upon him had died, ‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud used to proudly relate this incident saying,“The Prophet peace be upon him taught me the Tashahhud whilst my hand was between his hands.”
On another occasion, the Prophet peace be upon him noticed that ‘Umar
– may Allah be pleased with him – was making Tawaf around the Ka’bah and as he wished to touch the black stone, he jostled through the crowds and kissed it.‘Umar was very muscular and strong, and on his way to the black stone he could have harmed the weak.The Prophet peace be upon himwanted to advise him in that regard, so,in order to make him mentally prepared for advice,he started by saying, “O ‘Umar, you are a strong person.” ‘Umar became pleased upon hearing this. The Prophet peace be upon him then said, “Do not jostle through the crowds to reach the black stone.”
Once he wanted to encourage Ibn ‘Umar to perform the night prayers,so he said,“How good a man is ‘Abdullah! if only he performed the night prayers.” In another narration,it is reported that he said, “O ‘Abdullah! Don’t be like so-and-so. He used to perform the night prayers only to stop doing so.”
Yes,the Prophet peace be upon himwould use these methods with all people, and especially with the noble.
In the early period of the prophethood, there were those who accepted Islam and those who rejected it.There was a man in Madinah known as Suwayd bin as-Samit. He was a noble man amongst his people and considered a very intelligent poet. He had memorised many quotes of wise men, so much so that it was said that he had memorised everything that has been related from Luqman the wise. On account of this, people used to refer to him as al-Kamil (i.e. the complete man) due to his excellent poetry, nobility and lineage.
One day, Suwayd bin al-Samit came to Makkah to either perform Hajj or ‘Umrah. News of his arrival spread amongst the people and everyone wanted to see him.When the Prophet peace be upon him heard about him, he visited him and called him to Allah and Islam. He began to discuss with him monotheism and the message of Islam, and informed him that he was a prophet who had received the Qur’an in revelation, and that this Qur’an was the word of
Allah containing admonitions and laws. Suwayd said to him, “Perhaps what you have is similar to what I have?”
The Messenger of Allah peace be upon him said,“What do you have?”
He said,“I have the wisdom of Luqman.”
The Prophet peace be upon him, upon hearing this, did not scold or belittle
him, even though he was comparing Allah’s speech to that of a man. He was instead gentle with him.
The Prophet peace be upon him said,“Let me hear some.”
Suwayd then began to read whatever he remembered of Luqman’s wisdom, whilst the Prophet peace be upon himlistened to him attentively. When Suwayd finished, the Prophet peace be upon himsaid to him,“This is very good.”
He then said, in order to get Suwayd more interested,“What I have is even better. It is the Qur’an which Allah has revealed. It is all guidance and light.”
The Prophet peace be upon him then recited the Qur’an to him and called him to accept Islam as Suwayd listened attentively. When the Prophet peace be upon himhad finished talking, it was obvious that Suwayd was greatly affected by it. He said,“This is very good.”
Suwayd then parted from the Prophet peace be upon himafter being greatly affected by what he had heard. Thereafter, he left for Madinah, and it wasn’t long until war broke out between the two tribes, al-Aws and al-Khazraj. Suwayd was from al-Aws and he was subsequently killed by al-Khazraj.This happened before the Prophet peace be upon him migrated to Madinah. It is not known whether he accepted Islam or not, but some men from his tribe have stated that when he died he was a Muslim.
Think about how the Prophet peace be upon him treated him and how he captured his heart by his manners without being harsh.
In short...
Flatter generously. Criticise scantily.
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