There are always moments in our lives when we must advise and counsel others. One often advises his or her son, husband, friend, neighbour or parents.The end result of the advice usually depends on its beginning.
Meaning, if the advice is given in an appropriate manner with tenderness from the beginning, the end result is often the same. But if it is given harshly and callously, the end result will be similar.
When we are advising people, we are actually dealing with their hearts and not their bodies.This is why, children often take their mother’s advice but not the father’s, or vice versa and students tend to accept one teacher’s advice but not another’s.
The very first skill one should use while giving advice is not to do it excessively and pick on every fault, big or small, so that others do not feel that you are constantly watching their every move. Otherwise, they would see you as very cumbersome.
The leader of a people is not the one who is foolish
The leader of a people is the one who pretends to be foolish
If you can present your advice as a suggestion instead, then you should do so.
For example: your wife brings you dinner and you know that she has tired herself preparing this, and it happens to be very salty.Do not say,“Oh no! What kind of meal is this? I seek refuge in Allah! It seems you emptied out the whole packet of salt in this!”
Rather, you should say, “If you were to have decreased the amount of salt, it would have tasted even better.”
Similarly, if you notice your son wearing dirty clothes, then advise him as if you are making a suggestion, because people do not like to be ordered around. Say to him,“How nice would it be if you were to wear better clothes?”
If a student comes late to school,say to him,“How nice would it be for you not to be late again?” This approach is far superior.
Use this approach all the time,“How about if you do this? I suggest you do that…”
This approach is much better than for you to say,“You have no manners! How many times have I told you but you never understand? How much longer do you want me to keep telling you?”
Allow him to retain his honour and make him feel that he is valued, even if he makes mistakes. Do you know why? Because the objective here is to correct the error, and not to take revenge or dishonour him.Meaning,dear reader,to say it plainly,no one likes to be ordered around.
Look at the Prophet’s approach in this regard. One day he decided to advise ‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar to pray the night prayers.
He did not call him and say,“O ‘Abdullah, pray the night prayer!” Rather, he advised him as if he was making a suggestion saying, “How nice is ‘Abdullah! If only he were to pray the night prayers also!” In another narration he said,“O ‘Abdullah, do not be like so-and-so. He used to pray at night, but then he left it.”
In fact, if you are able to bring his mistake to his attention without him realising, then this is the best approach. A man sneezed in the company of ‘Abdullah bin al-Mubarak but did not say:‘al-Hamdulillah’.So ‘Abdullah bin al-Mubarak said,“What does a person say when he sneezes?”
He said,“al-Hamdulillah.”
‘Abdullah bin al-Mubarak said, “YarhamukAllah” (May Allah have mercy on you).
The Prophet peace be upon himhad a similar approach.When he would conclude his ‘Asr prayer, he would visit his wives one-by-one to sit and talk with them. Once he visited Zaynab bint Jahsh and found honey with her. The Prophet peace be upon him used to love honey and other sweets. He began to drink honey and talk to her, and ended up staying with her for longer than he would stay with anyone else.
Thereupon,‘A’ishah and Hafsah became jealous and planned that whoever of the two the Prophet visits should say, “I find that you smell of Maghafir!” Maghafir is a sweet drink, similar to honey but has an unpleasant smell. The Prophet peace be upon him was always concerned that his body or mouth did not smell bad, as he used to speak with Jibril and the people.
When he visited Hafsah she asked him what he had eaten. He said,“I had some honey to drink when I visited Zaynab.”
She said,“I find the smell of Maghafir on you!”
He said, “No. I only had some honey to drink. But I won’t
drink it, again.”
He then went to ‘A’ishah and she said the same to him.
Days went by and Allah finally revealed the secret to the Prophet peace be upon him.After a few days, the Prophet peace be upon himinformed Hafsah of a matter in confidence but she betrayed the confidentiality.He visited her one day whilst she had a guest known as ash-Shifa’ bint ‘Abdullah. She was a female Companion and a medical student who used to treat patients.
The Prophet peace be upon himwanted to bring her attention to her mistake by approaching the issue indirectly, in order to be gentle with her.What did he do?
He said to ash-Shifa’, “Wouldn’t you teach her the ‘incantation of the ants the way you taught her to write?”
The ‘incantation of the ants’ is what Arab women used to repeat, and everyone knew that it neither harms nor benefits.
The incantation as known amongst the women was composed of the following:
“The bride celebrates, dyes, applies kohl and does everything else, except that she does not disobey her husband”
The Prophet peace be upon himwanted to indirectly teach Hafsah a lesson by repeating,“…except that she does not disobey her husband.”
How beautiful is this approach towards correcting others’ mistakes that leaves love intact in people’s hearts, unshaken by errors and unpolluted by excessive offers of advice!
A man borrowed a book from one of the early predecessors.When he returned the book after a few days, it had food-stains on it,as if it had been used to carry bread or grapes.The owner of the book remained silent. After a few days, the same man came to him to borrow another book. He gave him the book in a plate.The man said,“I only want the book.Why are you giving me a plate?”
He replied,‘The book is for you to read,and the plate is for you to carry food in!”
He took the book and went, having learnt the lesson.
I recall a person who used to go home late at night and take his shirt off, hang it on the wall and go to sleep. His wife would then come,open up his wallet and take out the change – one and five Riyal notes.When he would wake up in the morning, go to work and want to pay the grocer, he wouldn’t find any change. He would be left surprised, thinking where the money could have gone! He thought about it and got an idea of what might be going on.
One day,he returned home.He had placed a frog in his pocket. He took his shirt off as usual and lay down on the bed as if he was asleep and began to snore, whilst paying attention to what happened to the shirt. His wife came to take whatever she could, as usual. She turned to the shirt very slowly and entered her hand in the pocket and touched the frog. When the frog suddenly moved, she screamed, “Aah! My hand!” The husband opened up his eyes and screamed,“Aah! My pocket!”
If only we applied the same tactics with everyone, including our children and students, when they err!
Nayf is one of my friends. He had a very pious mother. She never used to like having pictures around in the house, because the angels do not enter a house in which there is a dog or a picture. She had a young daughter who used to have all sorts of toys, except a doll. Her mother used to forbid her from buying dolls but allow her to buy anything else. Her maternal aunt once gave her a doll and said,“Play with it in your room but don’t let your mother see it!”
After a couple of days, the mother found out, so she decided to give advice in an appropriate manner. When they sat at the dinner table, Umm Nayf said,“Dear children, for a couple of days I feel that there have been no angels in the house! I’ve no idea why they left! There is neither might nor power except with Allah!”
The young girl listened quietly. After dinner, the young girl returned to her room to notice the doll amongst her many toys. She picked up the doll and brought it to her mother and said, “Mum! This is what caused the angels to leave.You may do with it as you please!”
How wonderful is this approach that one can correct people’s wrongs and give advice, being light-hearted without being harsh or cumbersome!
Meaning: Allow the one being advised to retain his honour. It is possible to drink honey without destroying the honeycomb. Do not advise a person as if he has disbelieved due to his actions! Rather, have good thoughts about him and assume that he made a mistake unintentionally, or without knowing.
In the early stages of Islam,alcohol was not prohibited.It was only prohibited in stages.
In the first stage, Allah declared that alcohol should be despised but He did not forbid it.He said,“They ask you about alcohol and gambling. Say they both contain grave sins and benefits for people.”
In the second stage,Allah forbade the people to drink it before the prayer, saying,“Do not approach the prayer whilst you are drunk, so that you realise what you are saying.” Thereafter a man could not find the time to drink alcohol due to being busy with the prayer.
In the last stage,Allah said,“Intoxicants and gambling, all are an abomination of Satan’s handiwork. Eschew such abomination, that you may prosper.” Thereafter, everyone who used to drink abandoned it.
However, some people who used to live outside of Madinah did not know about the absolute prohibition of alcohol. One day, ‘Amir bin Rabi’ah, the great Companion, returned from his journey, and presented a bottle of alcohol to the Prophet peace be upon him- a bottle full of alcohol!
The Prophet peace be upon himnever used to drink alcohol, neither in the pre-Islamic days of ignorance nor in Islam. However, the people still used to offer him gifts, some of which he would not use himself but give to others or sell. People would sometimes give him gold and silver, but he would not wear them and instead give them to his wives or others.
The Prophet peace be upon him looked at the alcohol in surprise. He turned to ‘Amir bin Rabi’ah and said,“Don’t you know that this has been forbidden?”
He replied,“Forbidden? No! I didn’t know about it, O Messenger of Allah!”
The Prophet peace be upon him said,“Yes. It has been forbidden.”
‘Amir then took it away. Some people then suggested to him that he should sell it.When the Prophet peace be upon himheard about it,he said, “No.When Allah forbids something, he also forbids its value.”
Upon hearing this, the Companion took the bottle and poured the alcohol on the ground.
Be careful of praising yourself while advising others, and ending up elevating yourself while putting the one being advised down. No one likes being treated in this way.
Some fathers, for example, when advising their sons, begin to mention their own achievements and glories,“I used to be this and that…” Perhaps the sons already know the history of their fathers!
So when you are in need of giving an example when advising, try your best not to mention yourself as an example and recall your bravery and glorious actions. Only mention others, such that the one being advised does not feel that you are degrading him and praising yourself.
In short…
“Even a good word is charity,” Hadith.
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