Often, when we attempt to apply certain skills with others, we realise our failure in determining the best tactics to deploy. For instance, a person sees a cheerful young man and attempts to use the ‘Be cheerful’ tactic with him and says, “MashaAllah! How beautiful are the clothes you are wearing! Just look at that splendour and the cheerful face!”
Then, instead of saying,“How happy your wife must be with you!” he says,“I wish you were a girl so that I could marry you!” This would be a very inappropriate joke indeed!
One of my colleagues related to me the following:
“At university, I had a sluggish student, yet Allah had given him a cheerful face. He would always sit at the end of the lecture theatre and drift far away in his thoughts. I would always request that he sit at the front to follow the lecture better, but he would always forget. I did not want to embarrass him or others as they were senior university students.
One day, I entered the lecture theatre to find him sitting at the end of the hall as usual.When I sat down on my chair,I said to him,‘‘Abd al-Muhsin, please, come to the front.’
He said, ‘I feel fine where I am and I can follow the lesson comfortably.’
I said, ‘Dear brother, please sit a little closer and let us see your rosy cheeks!’ Thereupon some of the students turned around to look at him and he turned bright red.
I realised that I had made a mistake, so in order to patch it up I said,‘The girl who marries you will be delighted! But as for these boys, they would have a hard time finding a bride!’ I then began the lecture instantly without leaving a moment for anyone to think about it further. The student also smiled and moved over to the front row.”
Therefore, even though these sorts of mistakes do happen, they are very easy to overcome.
Sometimes, you may embarrass or upset someone, not mistakenly, but because this is what the situation may demand. For instance, if two of your friends quarrel and you think that one of them is correct, you will support him and may even criticise the other one. This may even happen between your children, students or neighbours. What then should you do? Should we allow these situations to cause us to lose our friends, one after another, when we always endeavour to do our best to gain peo
ple’s hearts and make friends?
Certainly not! So what should we do?
The answer is that if you ever find that someone has become upset with you over some words you had uttered, or was saddened by something you did, then you should instantly try to heal the wound before it inflames, by using the appropriate skill.
How can you do this? Take this for an example:
Makkah, before the Muslims had conquered it, was under the control of the pagans.The pagans had made life difficult for the weak Muslims therein and were oppressing the children of those who had migrated to Madinah but had not been able to take their offspring with them.The Muslims were living through very difficult times.The Prophet peace be upon himwanted to enter Makkah to perform ‘Umrah but the Quraysh turned him away, and what happened then at Hudaybiyah is history.The Prophet peace be upon himsigned a pact with the Quraysh wherein he agreed to return to Madinah without performing ‘Umrah, and to return the following year to perform it.
After a year, the Prophet peace be upon him and his Companions entered Makkah in the state of Ihram,saying,“Labbayk”.They performed ‘Umrah and the Prophet peace be upon himstayed in Makkah for four days.When he headed back to Madinah, a small girl followed him. She was the daughter of Hamzah, who had been martyred at the battle of Uhud. She had remained in Makkah as an orphan.
The small girl began to call the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himsaying, “Dear uncle! Dear uncle!” ‘Ali – may Allah be pleased with him
– was riding next to the Prophet peace be upon him along with his pious wife, Fatimah – may Allah be pleased with her – the daughter of the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him.‘Ali lifted her up, gave her to Fatimah, and said,“Hold on to your cousin.”
When Zayd saw this, he recalled that the Messenger of Allah peace be upon himhad created the bond of brotherhood between him and Hamzah upon their migration to Madinah. Zayd therefore came over and said,“She is my niece,and I am more deserving of her custody.”
Ja’far then came over and said, “She is my cousin and her maternal aunt is my wife (i.e.Asma’ bint ‘Umays) and therefore I have more right to her custody.”
‘Ali said,“I took her first and she is my cousin.”
When the Prophet peace be upon him found out about their disagreement, he decreed that she should go to her maternal aunt, gave her custody to Ja’far and said, “The maternal aunt is closest to the mother.”
The Prophet peace be upon him then feared that ‘Ali and Zayd may have ill feelings towards him due to his decree.Thus,he decided to cheer up ‘Ali and said,“You are from me,and I am from you.” He said to Zayd, “You are our brother and confederate.” He said to Ja’far, “You resemble my physical appearance and character.”
Notice how much of an expert the Prophet peace be upon himwas in cleansing people’s hearts from malice and winning them over.
If we were now to return to the story of our friend who said, “I wish you were a girl so that I could marry you!” How could the damage be repaired?
There are several doors he can escape via. He can change the topic instantly in order not to give any opportunity to the person to think about what he has said. For instance, he could say, “May Allah give you the maidens of Paradise who are even more beautiful than yourself! Don’t forget to say Amen!”
He could also throw in a whole new topic, such as asking him about a brother who has just travelled, or his new car, and so on, just so that there is no opportunity left for anyone to feel embarrassed.
Experience...
It is not a disgrace for one to err, but it is for one to persist upon the error.
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